Alaina G. Levine and the academic etiquette of butter

I subscribe to the RSS feed for Inside Higher Ed (sort of a freebie Chronicle knockoff). This morning, they published an essay by Alaina G. Levine, a director of special projects of the University of Arizona's College of Science, concerning manners.

She begins her tale by describing an anomaly...

A gorgeous, well-dressed man had claimed the chair to my right at the table. There are plenty of good-looking academics, but few of them show up to a scholarly conference impeccably dressed in a three-piece pin-stripped suit, matching tie tack and cuff links, and shoes as shiny as mirrors. My reaction upon observing this unusual creature outside his native habitat? This is going to be a mighty fine lunch.

However, her Prince Charming quickly revealed himself to be Lurch. This ogre reached across the table, stuck his (hairy) hand in the bread basket, and then "spread mountains of butter on its entire spherical surface, until the roll ceased to be no longer." Holy [ fill in a noun of your choice]! Apparently at this banquet, they served a chemically enhanced butter that leads to the chemical decomposition of wheat and glutten. This twit should have known better... than to put butter on a roll at a professional banquet. The clod!

And she goes on

Dr. Suit’s fingers were smeared with butter and when he appeared satisfied that his masterpiece, the Ball o’ Butter, was complete, he then commenced gorging on it, one huge buttery bite at a time. He shifted said Ball o’ Butter between hands, licking his once perfectly manicured fingers as he went. I quickly lost my appetite (for the food and the man).

The truth begins to emerge. It appears that she was planning on doing some intensive networking with this fellow after the event. But his hideous table manners (eating butter on a roll) broadcast his inadequacies for all to see. Levine wonders if this is the way this dude acts on job interviews, or having lunch with his dean. She uses this set-up to instruct the rest of us on how we should behave at all times.

1. Smile and remember other actions to take during the first interaction. (I presume this includes not telling our interactant that her breath stinks, or that her superority complex is unbecoming a colleague).
2. Keep your handshake quick, firm and dry. ["The shake should employ two pumps up and down, and then get the heck out of there."]
   
3. Place that napkin on your lap ["The napkin will stay on your lap the entire time you are sitting there, even after the mal is complete." -- apparently, you are not to eat anything that might require dabbing; if you are soiled, discretely use the table linen].
4. Harness the silverware [Just like at the Wedding, outside in... I guess]
5. Utilize the b-d rule for triumph over the bread plate [this is too convoluted to comment on]
6. Don't reach or grab, just pass [ok]
7. Consume your bread in no less than an eon. ["The courteous way to dine on bread is to tear off a bite-size piece, butter on that morsel, and pop it in your mouth. Chew swallow, and repeat." - To which I saw.... give me a freaking break.
   

Levine is convinced that conformity with these arbitrary rules of high culture and etiqute will lead to professional success.

The reality is that scholarly strength can get you in the door, but proper etiquette and manners will seal the deal, and ultimately, elevate your academic credentials. So the next time you have an important function, wear a great suit, shine your shoes, and make sure you hone your business etiquette skills before you go.

What a load of horsecrap. Look, I would never dispute that manners matter. But what are they really used for? I believe that Levine's style of etiqute is a classist bourguois code of conduct used to sort the upper-crust from us common folk. Pierre Bourdieu wrote about this in Distinction. This is an elaborate power game which when boiled down to its source, is empty of meaning.

I avoid these stuffy, pretentious, events like the plague. I don't think you can learn much about other people in these stifflingly formal envirnoments. I went on 7 job interviews last year. I never learned much about the job at the stuffy dinners (except that some of my would-be colleagues like to drink); I spent most of them terrified that everything I did was going to be critiqued later. I learned much more (and presumably my hosts learned more about me) at the informal get togethers. On one trip, I stayed an extra day to save the school some money on airfare. The department chair invited me to her home for dinner and conversation with some other faculty. This was wonderful... all the pretention was dropped and learned what it would be like to live and work with these people.

But then again, it must work for Alaina G. Levine.